December 9th.

This morning as I covered E back up with her blanket and gave her a kiss on her forehead, emotions of gratitude swept over my entire body. I cannot find the words to express just how much I love being a foster mom. I have loved more passionately, hurt more deeply, grieved more bitterly and have celebrated joyously throughout this entire process of caring for this sweet little girl than I could have ever imagined. I am willing to continue to walk down this path of joy, uncertainty, and heartache for her sake, to give her the wonderful life that she so much deserves. As I continue to embrace her brokenness, it paints such a vivid picture for me of how Jesus embraced ours. Counting down the days until she can possibly be apart of our forever family!! December 9th is the day! Please keep us in your thoughts and prayers ♡  

I'm Not Disappointed

December 9th. That is court date that is set for severance of E's Mom's rights. Believe me when I say that am counting down the days until that exact date...because I am. I have been waiting for her to be ours forever. I was ready from the moment that she walked through our door. Yesterday we had an unexpected hearing for E. The hearing was scheduled for her younger sister and brother. Last minute, (late last week) we heard about this hearing and our Case Manager told us that it would be great if we could be there, including E. She was going to attempt to present something called a "drive by severance" to the Judge. This normally happens when there are other siblings involved and each sibling has a different court date for possible severance or reunification with their parents. They present this drive by severance to the Judge in hopes that if they are already going to do severance on the other siblings then why wait for the other child or children. Our Case Manager has warned us that it might happen and it might not so not to get our hopes up.

When we arrived at the court house with E, we walked in praying for God's will and His perfect timing. As we approached the courtroom to wait to enter, there was a man standing walking back and forth staring out the window. First glance I knew he was E's brother's Dad. He glanced over at us, especially E a few times then finally walked over to us.

"Is that E?"

"Yes it is. My Husband and I are her foster parents."

Tears came to his eyes. "Last time I saw her was when she was only 7 or 8 months old and her Mom was trying to give her away to her friend because she didn't want her anymore. I actually have quite a few baby pictures of her if you would like to have them?"

"Of course I would! That would be awesome. Thank you so much. Hey....I wish you the best of luck today and my Husband and I really respect the right decision that you have made to step up to the plate and care for your son. That will mean so much to him and he needs you more than ever right now."

We were finally called into the courtroom. As I sat down in between Josh and E, I really thought about why we were there. We were there to support E, to be a voice for her and to fight for her until the end no matter what the outcome may be. I cannot tell you how good that felt. Even thinking about it now gives me goose bumps all over.

The hearing only lasted about 30 minutes. It was interesting to hear the other cases for E's brother and sister. Towards the end, the Judge asked:

 "Are the foster parents of E in the courtroom right now?"

"Yes your honor" as Josh and I raised our hands.

"I just want to first of all thank you for all that you are doing for this child and want to ask you if there is anything that we can do or if there is any kind of statement that you would like to express here today"

I immediately spoke up "Yes your honor I would like to say a few words. I just want to let you know that E has been in our home since April. She is such a special little girl in so many ways and such a joy to have in our home. She has grown and thrived tremendously and we love her so much"

"Thank you for your statement and thank you so much for taking the time to be here."

I could feel the hearing coming to an end and my gut was telling me that it wasn't going to happen...which it didn't. Instead of feelings of disappointment, I had feelings of peace and hope knowing that this is all in God's hands and in His perfect timing. I think it was a huge blessing and an advantage for us to just be able to be there in the first place. Being able to make a connection with E's brother's Dad, having the Judge see us there and being able to speak on behalf of E.

26 days today until December 9th! We are pushing forward with faith and hope in our God that is WAY bigger than the foster care system! 

Wish us luck!

BEDTIME STORIES.

    

One of my favorite things to do with E is cuddle up with her and read books. She could read book after book for hours on end. I am quite the little bookworm myself, so when she says she wants to read I am all for it. I have so many memories when I was younger of my Mom and Dad reading to me. I remember those moments and I will forever cherish those. Nothing in the world compared to snuggling up next to my Mom or Dad while they read me a story. Every night we have our bedtime story reading routine. Before putting E into bed she says "Mama..can we read stories together?" as she looks up at me with her big brown eyes. The way she looks at me makes it so hard for me to say no, even on those nights when she has had a long nap at school and probably won't fall asleep until 10 and I still have to shower and get ready for work the next day. Her favorites right now are the books that make noises and the ones that have the mystery pops with pictures underneath. She also love to look at the pictures and come up with the story on her own. Some of the things she comes up with just make me smile and laugh hysterically. I love these sweet moments with her. It makes me feel like a kiddo all over again!

 

I'M NOT READY TO SAY GOODBYE JUST YET.

We have had the wonderful blessing of having E in our home for a little over 8 weeks now. This past week I have been really praying fervently about God's will for our family and His will for her. I have learned...when you ask God for something, be prepared for Him to answer! Yesterday there was a court hearing in the morning and last night we met our new ongoing CPS worker. On my drive home from work, I kept praying that we would get an update on her case or some good news. I told myself...whatever happens has to happen. It's all in His hands..so I rested my thoughts on that. We received just the opposite of what we desired to hear. She first asked us about E to see how she has been adjusting in our home and if there is anything that we should tell her that they would need to know about. In the next breath, she mentioned the word "transitioning" (of course you could imagine what I instantly felt as I heard that one simple word). My stomach immediately dropped and my heart instantly starting aching as the tears streamed down my face. 
She told us that E would be moving on to live with her Grandpa, his wife and her 6 year old sister. From day one when she was placed into the foster care system, CPS was trying to search out family for her to live with and they had no luck. Her Grandpa somehow found out that she was removed and placed within the system. He immediately called and told them he wanted to care for her and her older sister. The ultimate goal in Foster Care is always reunification with the biological parents or other family members that can care for the child or children. Our CPS worker couldn't give us an exact time frame on how much longer she will be with us, but she estimated about 10 days or less...but nothing longer than that. It could be any day now. So we wait.
The time that we have been able to spend with her has been so bittersweet. I will always love her and will miss her like crazy. She will always have a huge place in my heart. Josh and I are going to take the short amount of time that we have left with her to have a lot of fun, continue to give her all the love that we possibly can, and to cherish every moment for the next week or less. I really don't have any words to describe just how much my heart is aching right now. I have been praying for strength, comfort and peace...and mostly for E and her little heart. I know I need to continue to lean on God for strength and trust in Him. I know that God doesn't cause pain without allowing something new to be born. (Isaiah 66:9) He is always faithful. I am ready to continue this wonderful journey that He has prepared for our family. I know that if I am brave and strong enough to say Goodbye, that He will bless us with a new Hello.

FEEDING THE DUCKS.

Right down the street from our house there is this little lake with a water fountain in the center of it. It's so pretty and peaceful. It's the perfect spot to have a picnic. Before she was placed in our home, every time we drove by I used to tell Josh "When we get our first placement, I want to come down here and feed the ducks!" So on Saturday afternoon that is just what we did. She had such a blast. She was smiling and giggling the entire time and shouting "Mama this is very much fun!" (that is toddler talk for you). As we were getting ready to leave, we started walking to the car. She turned around and said "Mama..the ducks are running after us! Run! Run!" There was this one white duck that was super fast, so fast that at one point I thought I would have to pick her up and run. I immediately grabbed her hand and we ran together saying "Run! Run" while we laughed and ran away from the white duck. When we got back to the car she leaned over and put her hands on her knees trying to catch her breathe and said "Phew! That was a close one Mama....but those ducks can't catch us!" while shaking her finger. I just love her to pieces! She brings so much happiness into our home and I am so grateful that we get to care for her at this time in her life. I hope and pray that she won't ever leave, but in the end I have to trust God and His plan, not mine.    

 

 

 

THE THINGS SHE SAYS.

Her: "Mama, I want to fly!" Me: "You need wings to fly baby girl" Her: "Okay..well lets go buy some at the store so we can!!"
Her: "Mama, did you eat your food all gone?" Me: "Yup. It's in my tummy right now" Her: "Can I see??"
To her cousins at Sunday dinner: "Come on kids, come on kids!"
Every night............ Her: "Mama, is it shower-time?" Me: "Yup it's shower-time" Her: "And then cuddles and you sing?" Me: "Yes honey, Mama will cuddle and sing to you"
Me: "Okay lets pray for the food" Her: "I want to pray!" Me: "Okay go ahead" (we all sit and wait and then she looks at me) Her: "Noooo...YOU talk!"
When Josh or I say something like you're so silly or you're too funny.. "Nope! I am (she says her name) and I'm 4!" (while holding 4 fingers up)

WHAT A FOSTER-TO-ADOPTION PROCESS IS REALLY LIKE

But While You Fly, You Still Wait 

Written by Kelley Porter for Portrait of an Adoption

It was the Friday of Labor Day weekend when we got the call, our first foster care placement. Would we be willing to take a baby girl, 5-weeks-old? How does anyone say no to that?

Already the parents of two wonderful boys, my husband and I considered the idea of adoption, but he was much more hesitant than I was. There was something calling to me, almost like a vision. I could see us as a family of five, with a little girl in the mix. It took some heavy debating and arm-twisting (and a little nudge from his cousin the social worker) to finally convince my husband that this was the right step for us.

When considering adoption, foster-to-adopt was the only consideration I had in mind. We live in a small town; an adoption agency did not seem readily available. Of course, being related to a social worker also convinced us that foster-to-adopt would work for us. A new year came, we took the leap. By February we were ensconced in training. Through this training we saw the worst of worst case scenarios, but still we went on. Sane people would have been scared away, but for some reason we kept up. Finally, certified as foster parents! Then … the wait.

The wait … When considering foster-to-adopt, the wait is part of the process. The wait to get through classes, the wait for “the call.” Then the placement call comes, and you jump in with both feet. Figuring out daycare, appointments here, appointments there. "WIC," what is that? Snuggles and bedtime stories. Hugs and wiping away tears. Hurry up and clean, the social worker is stopping by today! It is everyday life flying by you, so busy ... but while you fly, you still wait. You parent, and you love, and you wait for the foster system. While you love, more and more each day, you set to the side the reminders that you have absolutely and positively no control over the future of the little person in your care. You pray for forever, but social workers have a different job. In your mind you say there are no guarantees here, and you foolishly believe you have control over your heart, but you don’t. A day, a week, a month, and that’s it, you are hopelessly and forever in love. But still, you wait, until the powers that be establish whether you are a forever family or not.

I do not think there is any amount of training that can truly prepare a person to understand the opposing elements of fostering-to-adopt, and the State’s number one goal, which is reunification of families. Sure they warn you, sure your head “understands.” Logically you can spout off to any person who will listen that it is important to keep families together. Realistically, though, to the heart, it is a different matter. Your heart tells you there is no way in the world you will let this child live in this world in less than ideal circumstances. And it is the noblest of the noble who can cheer on birth families and wish them all the best to reunify. These people are saints among us, and they make our world a better place. They must operate in a manner of faith that I know I did not have while I was waiting. I will be the first to admit I was more than relieved when our birth mom left the state. It just confirmed in my heart that my baby girl was meant to be mine, forever.

About two weeks short of two years later, we finally had our adoption hearing. In a courtroom full of our family members, we promised to love and care and raise our little girl, no matter what challenges lie ahead. What a beautiful day it was. Our day of meant to be. And what a little treasure my daughter is. Joyful, sweet, sassy, and strong! All in an itty bity little package. She is the link that completes our family.

I must admit, though, that I know so much more now than I did then. Today I learned of a fellow foster mom who won’t be transitioning to forever family, and her heart is thoroughly and indescribably broken. I believe she knew through this process that forever might not come, but, just like me, she pushed the doubt aside. How can you not? One squeeze and a kiss good night, and you cannot fathom that this is not your forever.

To jump into the world of foster-to-adopt, a person must be absolutely fearless, and find within them a certain measure of faithfulness. Faith that this situation will turn out the way it is supposed to, and that I will have the strength to live with the result, no matter what it might be. This is the advice I would give if someone asked me now. You must be fearless enough to live in the moment, and love with all you’ve got -- these children deserve this because no child comes into foster care without some sort of painful history. Fearless, but faithful, faithful in a way that means you might not end up where you wanted to be. For us, I really believe we thought we knew what we were getting into, but now I understand we were definitely naïve, so naïve, and so lucky.

In our country, as a whole, there is such a need for loving and caring foster families. There is also a need to be realistic about the foster-to-adopt process, and a need for much education about why reunification is important, if it is possible. Finally, we must fight the notion that foster children are broken; because they are not. These children are resilient and brave and have so much to offer us all. No baby is born into this world with a guarantee of perfection, and the same is true of children who are in foster care. Yes, these kids might have needs that a foster parent did not expect, and to be a foster parent or foster-to-adopt parent, you must be willing to seek help if it is necessary. But this is so true for any parent, no matter how your family comes together. I am so very thankful that we took this journey, that we, without really understanding or knowing at the time, were fearless, faithful, and truly lucky.

OUR FIRST TEMPER TANTRUM

Last night she had her very first temper tantrum. It was over pancakes. Josh had cooked a really nice meal and she wanted pancakes instead of seasoned chicken and cheesy pasta. She LOVES pancakes! If she could have pancakes for breakfast, lunch and dinner she would. We told her that she couldn't have pancakes for dinner and she needed to eat what was already made. Within seconds, she started whining and then broke down crying. I thought to myself, here we go...here comes our very first tantrum. How are we going to deal with this? I have never had to do this before! A few minutes passed and within those few minutes, her crying and yelling got worse and got to the point where she was crying uncontrollably trying to catch her breath. We were taught in our training class about time-out and about setting routines and boundaries in their life. They need it. Bad. All children need routine and boundaries set. Josh and I looked at each other and for as hard as it was for us to place her in time-out, we knew that we had to. We knew we had to set the boundaries now otherwise she will take advantage of situations and think she can get away with anything. Josh picked her up and as he was walking towards our bedroom she was reaching out for me to save her. Josh placed her on a small kids stool that we have from IKEA and placed her in our room facing the wall. She hated it and it was probably so knew to her because she probably has never had any type of structure or discipline in her life. It broke my heart into pieces to see her cry like that, but I knew it needed to happen. In the end I know placing her in time-out will help her know how to deal with her anger, frustration and give her a chance to calm down. After she calmed down and stopped crying, she came out of the room and walked over to me to say sorry. We talked about why she was put in time-out and then we all cuddled on the couch and watched Aladdin.  
How do deal with your child's unruly behavior?  I would love to hear your thoughts, experiences and opinions!

ANY DAY. ANY HOUR.

Last night we met with our ongoing worker for a "binder appointment". In foster care terms, a binder appointment is when your assigned ongoing worker comes out to visit your home with a binder full of (more) paperwork and (more) forms that you will need to keep track of when each child is placed into your home (incident report, health assessment, wardrobe checklist, emergency contact list, purchase ledger, and health/medical forms). One section in the binder that is very helpful is information with places for food, clothing, entertainment, and activity discounts. There is a place in Mesa called Helen's Hope Chest. They help foster children with all their basic needs. Everything is free. (school supplies, hygiene products, sports equipment, and clothing). You make an appointment and then you and the child can walk through from room to room and the child can pick out what he or she likes. I love that!
Our ongoing worker informed us that our name is up on the board already and it will be any day right now!!!! She said that we have two huge advantages to getting a placement fairly soon. #1: We told our agency that we would be willing to accept two children especially if they were siblings because we wouldn't want to have them separated. #2: Josh works from home. Different workers also switch weeks with carrying "the phone" around in case a call comes through with a child that has been removed from their home. Our worker has the phone this week, so we are crossing our fingers and praying that we get a call! 
I know that God has a child already selected for us and His timing will be perfect when he/she is placed into our home. It can be any day or any hour now. He is the only one that knows when that time is. He is so good!  

ITS OFFICIAL!

Its official!! Yesterday afternoon we were approved by the State and are now certified foster parents! Tonight we get to meet our ongoing case worker who will tell us about some of the ways we can prepare for our first phone call. After tonight, we just sit back and wait for that call to have a sweet little child (or two) placed in our home. We are feeling so very grateful and blessed that God would trust us with such a task to care for and love His children as if they were our own. This entire process has taken us a year to complete. Just to think....now we are only just a few days away from being able to open our home to all the wonderful children that Heavenly Father has prepared to leave in our care. So excited to see what He has in store for us and for these children!