Last week on Wednesday night we met with our CPS worker who told us that E is going to go live with her Maternal Grandpa. She will be leaving us in about two weeks or less. The next day (Thursday) I got a call from Josh at work telling me that my Dad went to see his doctor and he now has about 6 months left to live give or take. I remember sitting at my desk, trying my best to hold my tears back....I just couldn't. They came...a flood of tears streaming down my face. I got up from my desk and went in to tell my boss what was happening. He immediately got up from his desk, gave me a big hug and said "Go home. You need to be with your Dad right now." I rushed out of work to come home and see my Dad. I cried the whole way home asking God why this was all happening at once. Once I arrived home, it seemed as if I couldn't get out of my car fast enough to get in our house. As I walked through the door, my Dad looked at me confused and said "Why are you home from work so early?" I looked at him with tears in eyes..."I'm here Dad. I'm here for you and I will always be. I love you so much. I hope you know that. I hope you know just how very much I love you." My mind is consumed with everything. I have a whirlwind of emotions and I can't pinpoint exactly how I feel. I have fear of the unknown and I don't know why this time around I am having so much trouble trusting God through all of this. I am feeling emotions of loss, loss of E and eventually the loss of my Dad. I am exhausted. Exhausted emotionally. Since Wednesday, I have been on my knees crying out to my God asking for peace, comfort and direction through all of this. Deep down, I also feel as though the timing is perfect though because with having E around, it makes it very hard to get to spend any time with my Dad (if you are a Mother, you probably understand...its' go go 24/7). Josh made a good point to me that maybe God is possibly removing her from our lives so that I can spend all the time I can with my Dad before he passes. I also feel like He placed her into our lives at the perfect time too so my Dad could get to experience being a Grandpa and see me being a mother since he wont be here to see our own kids. She has been a blessing for my Dad mentally. She will always run into his room doing something funny saying "Grandpa Grandpa watch me watch me!" and he will smile and laugh. Sometimes things happen and we may not understand why or Gods plan for all of it. Sometimes it doesn't make any sense to us. Sometimes we just have to trust that He has a purpose and a plan and that He is bigger and can make even the impossible become possible. In the days ahead I know I am going to experience loss, heartache and fear of the unknown... but I also know its going to be a journey with my God, a journey where I can walk holding His hand every step of the way trusting that He knows what's best and will comfort me whenever I need Him to.
Heres to my God that is good, faithful, loving and bigger than anything.